Saturday, September 6, 2014

Parenting 101, or NOT?

First I will tell you about Paisley's hips since I know you are all waiting to hear the news on that.

Doctor said we are not hurting her to wait- the hips have degenerated more, for sure.

But he also said we will "know when it's time." That might be confusing for some but as a former Labor & Delivery nurse, I get it:)

The meds she takes for her arthritis suppresses her immune system and an infection in a new hip could take her from a new hip to no hip (removed until infection under control which could take months) and he will only do one hip at a time:(

She kinda got a little green around the gills when he explained the whole " new hip in, if infected could possibly take new hip out, wait possibly months, re- do hip" process." I could tell there she wasn't ready.

She has slowed down, for sure. And she will continue to do so. The hips will not be any "miracle cure" for her because she has ankle, knee, even toe involvement of the arthritis:(

Now to the "Parenting 101- or NOT title.  Oh, WOW. It's not a GOOD---  Oh WOW.  Nope it's not.

Have I mentioned how HARD older child adoption is? Yep, I'm pretty sure I have. So I'm gonna share this because it really came at us out of the blue.

Chase has been working a lot. He's also looking to move next month closer to work. So he's been absentee most of the time.

I work much less during the school year so I am home almost always after school. But I worked late a day this week. And dad worked then was on "Pick children up from sports and work duty." (Chloe, Camden and Chase)

I walk in the door from work and find Phoebe crying. Brandon was fighting a migraine-- poor guy had his head on the table and says "I don't know what is going on, but I heard screaming."  I'm thinking "HUH?"

Over the course of 2 days (yes it did take that long) to get the whole skinny on things that went down--- Chance decided he was "big man on this campus" and he was bossing/ bullying the girls.  Until Phoebe got so upset she got hysterical.

Kat knew better than to let him bother her. (Oh, the difference in when children come home--- age 3 home, verses age 8 +  such a HUGE difference)

Paisley did NOT help matters. She told Phoebe that he was being a bully and just to tolerate it because it happens. And then told her to lie to me so they wouldn't get in trouble???????



So we addressed Chance first-- that he was NOT allowed to bully anyone. Quite frankly I was surprised  he needed to be told this because Chase did this to HIM when they first came home and we had to protect him from Chase. I did remind him of that:(

We addressed with ALL of them that this house/ family IS NOT, NOR WILL IT EVER BE--- an orphanage. And how they lived in the orphanage was NOT going to happen here-- EVER. We do NOT live with bullying. We do not LIE------- EVER.

Chance was VERY stubborn about this. He got mad and said some really rotten things. He made me mad and I yelled (YES--- I DID! MOM don't call) and later had to apologize ( he did too) but I was wondering what in the world brought this on?

I can usually pinpoint something and I didn't think the start of school was it. Then I remembered that Chance stayed quite some time with Uncle this summer. And it clicked. He was a guest in their home. They didn't have to PARENT HIM.

And he was loving it. Of course he was. Earning money, no one pointing out anything he would be doing that was "less than nice" because that's what you do when you have a guest, you are tolerant of them no matter what. Not one "little sis" to annoy him in sight anywhere:(

And he came back to the real world (our home) and he wasn't liking it. We WILL parent him, that's our job. And he was told that.

I can tell you NOW what he said to that-- and we can laugh together-- I wasn't laughing when he said it-- matter of fact I think there may have been some flames shooting off the red hairs......

He said "They (meaning the teens) wanted to tell me what I was doing wrong parenting."  OH REALLY?

I will tell you I pointed out I was raising number 12+ child, I was MANY years older than him, that "they" had NO parenting experience and that being former ORPHANS raised in an ORPHANAGE did not give them the correct information on the best way to raise children.

He was basically wanting us to house, feed, clothe, run everywhere for them but we do NO PARENTING.  He somehow got REALLY BIG for his britches being away, didn't he? 

We quickly dispelled him of this totally crazy notion of his and got him back in line. Yes, we did. He wasn't happy and probably won't be for a bit. (No MOM we did NOT smack him senseless, or hit him at ALL) He was also warned he is 18 years old and that comes with a whole range of responsibility that so far he's not shown, at all------and he was told the opportunity to work with uncle again will not happen if we see this negative behavior again.  Not fooling around with him understanding this will not be accepted.

Did I mention they are totally immature for their number ages? I think I have.

We also addressed Paisley- I knew where her comments came from, she had a "misguided sense" she was protecting Phoebe as the older girls in her orphanage did for her, I am sure.

 Because her orphanage was well funded, but came with a whole other set of issues because little guidance beyond older children raising younger children situations which are NEVER good.

Orphanage care is NEVER GOOD. It causes all kinds of long term issues.

Paisley was reminded AGAIN that she is not a parent, she is NOT raising Phoebe and Kat and that she was NEVER to tell them to tolerate someone bullying them or to lie to us. She KNEW better and was responsible to be a GOOD influence for her little sisters to look up to. She had to apologize and tell the girls what she told them was wrong.

She didn't have much to say (her usual behavior when in trouble) but she said she understood.

 I guess what was so surprising (or not to us) was how long these teens have been home and yet how quickly they will fall back to that crappy orphanage behavior.

It's so difficult to reset their mindset to what FAMILY means. And none of the orphanage behaviors they had were acceptable for this family's life.

Brandon is getting a first hand experience how tough this is-- he sees they aren't "bad" kids, not at all--- but he's also seeing the deeper level of work involved with teaching them what family is, getting them on the right path.  He's been kinda shell shocked looking for a few weeks, it's a familiar look-- we wore it for a long time after coming home with the teens.

He has asked "Why would anyone do this?"  Poor guy. I DID tell him they were totally worth it. He didn't seem 100% convinced. 

 Guess it takes longer to get there?

Before all this joyless crap happened we took the kiddos and their church youth group (19 kids in all) to an amusement park, there was a free Building 429 concert!  Wow, was that a blast! Yes, even with 19 kids.

We were blessed to get seats up front for the concert and Phoebe ended up standing on a cooler to see the singer and guitarist--- her very first concert was quite the "hit" for her.

She was so thrilled they were singing about GOD-- what a heart this girl has for Him,  she gasped when she asked me "Are they singing to tell everyone about GOD?" And I said "Yes." So joyful this girl is:)

She wanted to meet the group-- and we got to- they were yelling "NO pictures" but she asked and guess what?

Yep, our special treasure got her picture with both the band members she could see through the concert.

I didn't catch the boys in any amusement day pics, they were busy riding rides from the minute we got there- well once we FED them, that is. We packed coolers to keep down the costs (concert was free, rides were not) but as usual, God had us covered, we were given $6 a person OFF coupons at the entrance by another church group who got a group discount for 50 people and had 24 left over tickets, of course just as we arrived they were looking to give the "extras" away:)

God is so good like that, isn't He?  Always!!  Just as He guided us through the rough parts this week, He's always with us........

1 comment:

K said...

Ah, the ups and downs of it! Do you think they'll ever get it? I wonder about mine all the time. They've conspired twice now to eat forbidden food and "not tell," but they are messy things and left evidence on the floor, so they got caught.