Monday, April 8, 2013

He made me cry

I cried. I couldn't help it. 

Now understand, I am not a crier. I don't cry often. But I felt my heart just break. 

BROKEN.  I felt broken. And I understood for a few moments how God MUST feel, although I have no doubt that He shielded me from the full force of the pain. Because I'm sure I could not have taken on the BURDEN our Father has.

Where did this happen? Who did this? What was IT?

We were in the van, Chance, Kat, Phoebe and me. Going to get Uncle Roy and family at the airport, coming in from their vacation back to Japan ( yes, I'm jealous as all get out) but we were chatting, Chance and I as the two in the front, as I drove. The girls in the back were busy playing games.

We passed a church, and Chance asked "Why do we bury people next to the church?"  He finds that sooo odd.  And I said "Out of respect", and as usual, I love my Chance and love to jag on him some, so I said "Should we not bury you next to the church, how about in a hole in the yard." He said "Yep, just not too close (to the house) or he would stink."  Oh, my outdoor lovin' son, how he makes me laugh. (Yes, MOM we have a sick sense of humor, I know)

Anyway-- I don't know the exact words that led to him saying "I've seen dead people." And as a nurse, this doesn't faze me, nor as their mother have I learned to be shocked at what they tell me at times they have seen.  My children come from many years of orphanage care. It's not pretty. It's not cute painted pictures on the walls, big eyed babies waiting to be scooped up and loved on. I've heard horror stories before. (SADLY)

 My precious son proceeds to tell me very matter of fact, that he saw MANY children DIE. MANY-CHILDREN-DIE.  Some from not enough food, some from diseases. Not just babies with major problems that came in, but children he lived with for years, he knew them well.

So many children, in fact, they had to make a "fridge" at the orphanage to hold the bodies. And that a truck would come and THEY (as in MY CHILDREN, MY SONS) would be made to help load DEAD children in the truck to be taken away to be "burned up." Some 5-6 years old, some older, some babies.

I listened in silence. Feeling my heart breaking. Trying to concentrate on driving. As the tears welled. As they started a path down my face. As I started to sniffle.

He realized I was crying. He apologized for making me cry. "Sorry mom, I make you cry." And I couldn't say a thing-- so on he went -- "It just happened. Some were diseased, some not enough food, but some (KIDS)  did get adopted."  Obviously before they got to dying--

But then something hit my heart besides the horrible pain-- it was ANGER. And I said 3 words--


That's right- NOT ENOUGH got adopted. Because children/ babies/teens are DYING today. Because they have disease, yeah, maybe, but also because they don't have FOOD to eat.

They feed the kids by age (because they have to)--
 youngest must have food to make it- feed first
 toddlers, need food- they come next
 preschoolers, need to be fed- feed next
 school age- well, they can survive if they miss one meal
 but the teens, well, they can go with 1 meal a day, or NONE if there's none left when they get to them. 

So they GO WITHOUT, often for DAYS.

When's the last time you or I went without 1 meal and said the meaningless words "WOW, I'm starved" when we did get to eat our very next meal? I'm so ashamed, I have  thoughtlessly said that.

My children, along with MANY others, last count 285 children (when our kids came from their orphanage there were 150 children) know that "being starved" is not missing one meal. Hunger HURTS. When it's been 3 days and all you got was a piece of bread, your belly HURTS, it aches in a way you can hardly stand.

I'm sharing this because of what I said to Chance when I finally could say more-- still in the van, still driving, just sniffling now----

"Chance people SHOULD care. I care. No child should mean nothing more than a body- that they didn't get a chance to grow up, to be loved. God loved those children and He wants better for His children, someone has to care about those children----WE HAVE TO CARE."

I don't know WHY God placed this on my heart. I have been asking Him-- besides raising our kiddos what does He want me to do? Where can I show His love to people?  I figure it will be something with orphaned children because He does know my heart for them, I love them ALL-- I would love to be their MOM and give them love. Even from afar.

I know we are done adopting, I feel a great comfort in that right now. He is guiding our family boat and the boat is full. 

That's really okay with me, even when my heart says, "Get a 747 rented out and go get them ALLLLLLLLLL. " These children are my passion. And I only speak of Chinese orphanages because that's what I know, do not think for one minute I don't want to love me some African or Haitian, Bulgarian, Russian, babies, I love them all, and not just babies either, I could undoubtedly love me some teens, older kids. They are children in need and they don't care about the color of my skin-- if I have a meal for them, or a hug, or love to give them.

So I wonder what/who He needed me to share this with? Because He led me to write this post, so it must mean there's a reason behind that.  Is someone out there "sittin' on the fence?"   Are you wondering --should we adopt, should we help someone adopting, should we see if we can get a waiver for age, income, being single, try another country, adopt kids in need from foster care--- whatever it is---

Let me tell you--- not one of those children who died are getting a second chance. NOT ONE MADE IT.     And-- there's more dying TODAY. There's children, young and old, in many countries, who want to be fed, loved, cherished, CHOSEN---

This is NOT God's PROBLEM-- it's OURS. He will cover fees (look how He got us fully funded for Phoebe and the boys), He will guide you to the "right child" meant for your family-- He will reward those answering the need that step forward in financial ways to help families adopting-- He will cover all of that.

But first we have to answer His call to DO SOMETHING.

Just as I am sharing this today-- I couldn't NOT write this. It spilled out of me like an uncontrolled overflow-- just as the tears did yesterday and threaten to come still today, thinking over and over what my very own son said, what he saw, what he experienced as a child trying to survive in an orphanage. 

No one cared. No one loved. No one provided. No one cried. Until NOW. 

My son has been CHOSEN-- now, let's be in prayer, and if called, take ACTION----so many more Father, let's get SO MANY MORE OF THEM CHOSEN.  WHY NOT ALL OF THEM??? Nothing is too big for my God.

Loved, provided for, cared about, NOW.  

They are not meant to have only one sad momma, crying for them after they are gone, after it's too late:(  Someone else's momma at that:(  Not even their OWN momma.

No children deserve to die this way.They just  don't.  We have to care. We HAVE to. I've been blessed with 6 of these treasured children. It doesn't make me care less about the others, the unchosen ones- and honestly, I'm doing what God asked for ours but it's given ME so much more to parent our children than what bringing them in to our family has cost us in any way.

  I want more and more people to experience the treasures these children are. None need to be UNCHOSEN. NOT ONE.  God cares--- We, as His people, we must choose to care...........

Does anyone care??? Anyone at all?


Kjbikakis said...

What a heart breaking story ): It just tore my heart apart reading it ))):
God has called me to adopt, but for now i'm to young, I can't apply anywhere yet because i'm only 18, but I know that once i'm old enough i'm going to start adopting, whether i'm married or not. This is what God has told me to do, and what he wants me to do. I want to help care for the orphans; i'm going into the medical field to become a pediatric doctor so i can travel the world to orphanages all over the place and help care for as many sick children as i can.

Sherri said...

Wow, now that's a post! I have been reading so many blogs in the post 3 months of families with older children and my HEART goes out to the way they lived in orphanages. It's not right and it's not fair at all. I didn't know that's how they chose to feed children. That's pretty sad that Chance has to witness such a real thing.

And believe in me, If we had the funds, the good insurance and more space not that i'm making an excuse - we would adopt more. We waited 5.5 yrs before our little girl was chosen for our family and that was a very long wait. I'm happy to say that we love our little Asian baby - Emma who is 26 months old, she's our life. I'm very thankful GOD has chosen her for us, she is a blessing. I often wonder about adopting another one and I know the age limit has now struck me as i'm 50, its not easy raising a toddler. If, we could do it again, we would in a HEARTBEAT!! I can only hope that my daughter or son would consider adoption when they grow up! Vickie you are an amazing woman and GOD has blessed you over and over again. I love reading your blog and thanks for sharing.

Love for Lilly Yin said...

My two have told me very similar stories, and YES, I DO CARE. It kills my heart. God help us!
Thank you for writing the words on my heart.

Julee said...

Heard the same sad stories from my Ethiopian children. Heartbreaking. I was around several times.children died when I was visiting the orphanages. So thankful and humbled God allowed me to hold and comfort and pray for them. They always left in cardboard boxes if the had them. I have had to bury two of my own children. Makes me so very sad that.children die alone.I rejoice to know that God sees them and loves them passionately. I struggle with why my adopted.children were saved and not all the others...sigh. I do not pretend to understand all Gods ways..but do know without a doubt of His great love and perfect will.

Julee said...

Heard the same sad stories from my Ethiopian children. Heartbreaking. I was around several times.children died when I was visiting the orphanages. So thankful and humbled God allowed me to hold and comfort and pray for them. They always left in cardboard boxes if the had them. I have had to bury two of my own children. Makes me so very sad that.children die alone.I rejoice to know that God sees them and loves them passionately. I struggle with why my adopted.children were saved and not all the others...sigh. I do not pretend to understand all Gods ways..but do know without a doubt of His great love and perfect will.

Jodi said...


Jerry and Christy said...

Oh Vickie this just breaks my heart. I know that we will continue to help orphans in whatever way God shows us. Just like you I'm not sure what he will have us do, but want to do whatever He shows us to do.

rachel garber said...

I volunteered in a Chinese orphanage where my sole baby to watch passed away from heart failure. It was heartbreaking and I often think about those poor children around the world and the suffering they see constantly. My mom has instilled the love of adoption in all of us (she's adopting numbers 4 & 5 right now from China) and when I've hit their age/marriage requirements, I'm in!

Randi said...

Yes, we care a lot! Waiting on TA for two little girls right now. Wish we could bring them all home!

Rebecca said...

Beautiful post Vickie... Love your heart and your passion! Keep teaching us please!!!

Lori Lynn said...

What an amazing story! I don't follow blogs much anymore, so I haven't stopped by in a couple of years. Boy, have you been busy! Two more beautiful adoptions since Chase and Chance. I wish you all the best and may each of your children grow up to live happy and fulfilled lives.

Lori Lynn (mom to Chloe from Qinzhou)

Shay Ankerich said...

I care too!!! I saw you from afar in China in January. We were at the Garden when you were but we had two new ones and you were always surrounded so I never came over to say hello. We are already praying about our next ones! Praying God will open doors. Thank you for sharing this heartbreaking story. Blessings and love!

Dottie P said...

Wow, it just seems cruel that they would make the children load the bodies, knowing that they would think it could be them next.
I was wondering, Vicki: As I have tried to tell people of the need in China, a couple of people have told me that China is making it harder to adopt now. I heard this from one woman who has been there with a friend who was adopting. Is this true?

Lori said...

Sadly, my 7 year old from China has many of the same stories... dead bodies stuffed into black trash bags; helping a nanny deliver a child's body to the freezer where there were more. My daughter didn't even know that this was not "normal".... it was her normal! Worst of all, this is not happening in a tiny orphanage hidden away somewhere, but in what is considered China's "model" orphanage in one of it's biggest cities... What has happened to our world when people have grown so cold to all that is so, very broken. My heart breaks for the children that must know that such horrors even exist!

Bless your precious son and his tender heart~
Lori McCary

Redeemedmama said...

Holy Spirit written post and thank you so much for letting Him speak through you. I hear this with my heart.

I will do something, I promise you I will do something.


Deanna Chapman said...

I read your post yesterday. I was cring by the time I finished and could not post. I am 56 years old and we adopted a little girl from China in 2008. She is now 6 years old. I feel that God wants us to adopt another little girl because I keep having a dream about us adopting a little girl with Albinism. I told my husband about it nd he told me OK we will adopt again. He really did not want to but for me he would. We got a call from CCAI that they had a heart baby would we like to see her file. We looked it over and decided she was our daughter. My husband wrote the LOI and sent it in that day. The next day his insurance informed him that they changed his policy that if we adopt the child will not be covere ny heart problem the child has until she is home for a year. I was devastated but Bill said he really did not really want to adopt again. I have been looking but every child I show him all he does is look at the child's file and says nothing. Well I made him read your post last night. When we went to be we talked about what your son said, I cried the whole time. He was quit for a long time. Then he spoke. He was cring too. Will you keep looking? I said yes. He said good I'll keep looking at them until we find her. I just want to thank you with all my heart. You and your son are my heros. I just love the adoption community. I feel that we are a gigantic loving family. THANK YOU both and I am sending all my love and great big hugs to both of you. A am very blessed to be part of this community. Lots of love to all my adoption family Deanna Chapman

blstmama11 said...

I CARE!! We adopted a 13 year old..thank you for letting us know it is possible. She is lovely and I can't imagine our life without her. We will adopt again when funds allow. If only we could get some wealthy celebs interested in our cause!! ~ Denee

Vickie said...


Hang on to that passion, my young friend-- God will do wonderful things with it!

Sherri- remember there's a ton of older kiddos there waiting- you don't HAVE to adopt a toddler:)

Love for Lily Yin- You are welcome. Thank you for caring:)

Julee- I'm sorry you have heard similar stuff from your kids- I wish these memories on no child- God gave you the treasures you were meant to have, rejoice in them- WE need to do something for the ones left behind, not feel odd that our children were chosen- we need to get them ALL chosen- ask HIM to use you to show you how:)I'm sorry you lost 2 children as well, I know that pain and know how very precious their lives are-- down to the littlest one-- they MATTER.

Jodi- I was speechless too:(

Jerry and Christy- You have the right attitude- whooo hoooo!!!

Rachel- another "young blessing" you are!!Keep that passion and God will use you!!

Randi- whoooo, hoooooo. I LOVE to hear of more children coming to families--- praise Him!

Rebecca- You share my heart girl:)

Lori Lynn- I'm so glad you stopped in and yes, we are busy and blessed:)

Shay- I saw you too and thought the same thing! I wanted to see your 2 gorgeous kiddos-- I'm thrilled to hear you are praying about your next one/s:))))

Dottie- Sadly, yes, it's become harder to adopt. Adoptions are down 50% in the last 5 years. But as I wrote-- from 150 kiddos to 285 children NOW-- in the same orphanage? Obviously the children are there:( So I think it's a problem that the devil is delighting in and we have to trust in GOD, pray, support people who are adopting, adopt--- God will see you through. The children are soooo worth it!!

Lori-I'm sorry your daughter had this in her life too:( So sorry. And yes, it's going on in many, many "well run" orphanages, it's happening today in April 2013, it's hard to believe but it is happening:( You said "What has happened to our world when people have grown so cold to all that is so, very broken." It's the lack of GOD- His love, His teaching of us to LOVE, like He loves us. That's what's missing:(

Redeemed mama- Wonderful-I believe you will!!

Deanna- Ohh, what a wonderful blessing you will be when you find that "meant to be" child for you. Amazed at your love:)

blastmama- WHOO HOOO- they are wonderful treasures, aren't they:))) So special-- and yeah, where's all the celebs-- we need them-- if they care?

Bless all of you who commented, shared and CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kimmi Lou Miniatures said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kimmi Lou Miniatures said...

This is incredible. We just got home with our 6 year old from Hefei, China. So glad to know about this, I share your frustration about the orphan crisis. Would it be possible I share a link to this blog or if I copied and pasted it to my blog....people need to know this goes on and you said it so well. my blog so you can see it. God bless you and your wonderful family! Kim

Vickie said...

Kim- Please share. My permission is given for this post to be shared.

rem said...

Woah, so gut-wrenching. I feel certain my daughter was close to being one of those babies. I am so grateful she was chosen to be moved to a private facility. How many don't make it? And how many other children have to watch it happening? Thank you for shining a light on this.

dan said...

Thanks for sharing - especially since my DD came from same orphanage. Hard to think about especially since I know our DD received rather 'good' care while there. And yes, I too was shocked to recently learn how that orphanage has almost doubled in size. Thankfully we have signed up for another adoption and put in a preference for same orphanage. we'll see.

connie said...

Oh, sister! Kooper has share this same thing with me, and it breaks my heart to think of the precious children who die alone and the children who see death. Holy Spirit, move in the hearts of Your people!!!!

Penny said...

Vickie, I am saving this post. I have been praying for a while that G-d would move my husband's heart to adoption. When I talk to him this is one of the things I will show him.

Sandra Bishop said...

I'm so glad you wrote this. My 2 girls haven't shared any heart breaking stories (yet), but we're beginning to see indications that the newest one likely had trauma in her life that we will be dealing with. So thankful we felt called to adopt older kids (first was nearly 13, second one days before her 14th birthday). We're going back for another tween/teen this year. People ask why and all I can say is, "we have an empty bedroom, resources and love to go around and there are too many kids who still need families." How could we not do it again.

Rosie said...

Vickie- this post really hit close to home as our Lexi was one of the baby/toddlers in that orphanage. We care! Please tell Chance that our daughter is thriving! She can now hear, talk, sing & dance, and she is so full of love. Our two girls from China are the light of my life :)

Joy K said...

My heart hears the cry of these children! Our daughter is blessed to be waiting in a christian foster center... I pray it is truly a better place than where Chance waited all those years for you. We cannot wait to get her home though - & we would be honored if God showed us the open doors to bring home another with her!! <3 We've already considered an aging out child - just waiting on God to make it fall into place!

Lots of love & prayers for peace going out to your brave kids from our family of soon-to-be 6 here in Hong Kong! -Joy

Joy K said...

PS. I'd really like to share this Holy Spirit & Love inspired post on my blog (linking to yours of course!) if that's ok. I think many more need to KNOW about this... Please let me know. Here's our link if you want to have a look first:


Vickie said...


Please feel free to share this post on your blog of wherever you wish. It's God's words through a child-- the more people it touches for God's Will to be done, the better:)