Friday, August 10, 2012
A Letter to my son
My Dear Son,
I am on a mission. One God has given me. I do not take this mission lightly or think of it as an easy road. Some days I very humanly want to quit, then God pulls me up and sets me back on my feet, to continue on plugging away at you and your stubborn refusal to accept you are lovable- that you are loved.
You see, when I started this mission, I didn't even know you. I found out about you and I somehow knew you would be "the one." Of the 3 of you and your bio siblings, you were the oldest, you had endured the most, you were going to be the "tough guy" whose smile was rare, indeed.
All along God granted us grace, He guided, right to the point we made of having your sister call and ask if you did want to come here. Because we had to remind you later down this road that you said "yes." We did not force you to come here.
We wanted you to come. We worked frantically on paperwork, knowing that for you to come God would have to perform a miracle and He DID. Home you came. At first you were very lost. Where did you fit in? It was hard for you to see your younger sister surpass you in language and adjustment, a blow to your confidence.
Then if that wasn't bad enough, brother Chance easily accepted us as his parents, as was sister Chloe, leaving you with no job of parenting anymore. Further making you lost, unsure of where you belonged here. The concept of someone parenting YOU was completely foreign to you.
You struggled right away, you decided it was really hard for you to learn English so you weren't going to. As well as listening and being given rules really rankled you even further.
But God kept us strong, He didn't give up on US, so we refuse to give up on YOU. We KNEW what joy and security awaited you, when you finally got it. IT--- being what we were trying to give you-- a family.
This family has not come easy for you, nor honestly for me-- no, by far, you have stretched me, you have taught me, you have pushed me, you have angered me. But I continue to love you and I always will, because I know without one doubt God meant for you to be my son. And growth, even for mom is a good thing.
Many days, I am sure you do not like me at all. And that hurts. But I still keep on because I recall being 17 and not liking rules, or parenting aimed in my direction either. So I really do "get you." It doesn't mean my mission ends, oh no, by far it just amps up the important of the mission. Because time is short and I'm not here to be liked, I'm here to be your mom.
Yet again, we butted heads recently. You were pulling yourself away, isolating yourself and ignoring us. I am sure pretending in your head, that you really didn't belong here and would be able to whisk off to a faraway land called China where you would live happily ever after as soon as you possibly could. Then I very rudely pulled you right back into reality. With a cold, hard crash. (No MOM, I didn't beat him or even lay one finger on him)
Because I knew where you were trying to go and I know it's not where you should be. God again, guided me when I really, really wanted to think about just letting you live here, taking the easy route. No, He said, no easy route. Time to do the hard work, standing up to you and demanding your rudeness stop.
That you put forth effort to communicate and involve yourself with us, your family. Because you were very honest- you finally said you blamed us for what happened to you in China and for bringing you here. And just hearing someone (not me, my good friend and his youth leader) say it out loud was like seeing you lift a huge burden off those strong shoulders of yours.
To face your anger and own it. To see your choices were taken from you back then, but they are very much your own now. Make it-- use the tough past to overcome and succeed, or be crippled for life by your past. And if there's one thing I know will not happen is that you will wimp out. No way, because you are my son, you are strong.
It wasn't pretty, you pushed hard-- but I refused to back down. And results abound. You are talking to everyone- you are someone we all love and want to get along with, not just exist with. You have been helpful, you have been more open and polite than we have ever seen. You are such a neat person we are enjoying this improved behavior.
Do I think you will not regress? Well, we are human so most likely you will. As will I. I may become angry and you don't do well when you think I am mad at you. Or you may take something the wrong way and take offense to it. But I'll take the baby steps forward, and I will not give up on you getting it. Getting your place here, in this family. Where you DO belong.
Because you know, as do we, you are meant to be here. You would never have been the same person if you had lost your brother and sister. I fear it would have broken you completely. And God did not have that in your future. No way. He loves you so much, He has never left you even when you didn't even know who He was.
Through Him we continue to parent you and are so thankful to have you in our lives.
Keep on growing my son, make us proud, more importantly, know that you ARE loved, you are WANTED, and you are one AMAZING person who is worth it ALL.
Love, YOUR Mom (who will always love you even when you act like a turd)
PS. If you go back to the way you were acting again, I WILL call you on it. I will. I will not EVER let it go. You are too important to not keep you on track. My mission continues for LIFE.