Monday, June 27, 2011

Cut me and I bleed

No, I'm not physically injured. Not where you can see it anyway.

We needed to go for home stuff and were trying to decide who could go where so we had room in the van for the stuff. The kids overheard and had opinions as to who they would be left with. And it happened.

Chase told Camden to tell me who they wanted to stay with because "He my real son." And I heard it. And I said "What does that mean?" And yes, he meant it just as it sounded, he said "Camden will get his way, he's your real son, I not your real son."

Well, just stab me in the heart, why don't ya. (Okay mom, so I am being a bit dramatic, but it HURT)

He knew by the look on my face he hurt me. And he was like a deer in the headlights. He really didn't know what to do. So I just didn't respond and when dad came in from his walk, I asked him to talk to Chase, telling him what happened in front of Chase and adding on, that if I EVER said to HIM that I wasn't his real MOM he would NEVER forgive me- and I went to bed.

The next morning he came to me. He said "Sorry." I asked him " You like to hurt me?" And he said "yes." But then he has straightened up. He's been polite. He's been kind.

My son. Might not have the same DNA but no less mine. I love him no less. He cuts me deep some days. I retreat, but I will never give up. I know he has been hurt, I know he can not trust completely yet.

Some days I wonder will he ever get it? Does he understand that he will not deter me. I am a tough cookie. I can take his snot. I can take his hits. And I will still be right here. Being his MOM. If he wants it or not.

In other news, the house is coming along. It's fun to see the progress happening. We picked up an 80 gallon water tank, didn't expect to need that, but when you have a mega family that littl' ol' 40 gallon just doesn't cut it. We got floor tile. We got lights, vanities and new mower since we killed the old one.

#2 son turned 25 yesterday, he came out to the new house and we showed him around, then we had a nice cookout supper with him. Nothing too exciting but that's how it is when you get older and are supposed to be settling down and giving your parents hopes of grandchildren someday:)

Jay is the same DNA son and he was one of the olders that was kind enough to prepare this momma for the new boys, he was one tough bugger to raise as a teen and I often wondered WHY I had to go there with him while we were going through his rough ride of teenage years.

And now here we are, able to handle the new tough guy with patience and love. God may not show someone His reasons for many years, but He knows.

He prepared my heart for these children, all of them. No matter where they came from- and He keeps me going when they hurt us.

Precious, so very precious, each of my children are, and just as God will never give up on me, I will never give up on reaching my SON:)


Lisa said...

Why do they do it? What did we do to deserve such treatment? It's like we have rubber bands around our waists and they just push and push, seeing how far we'll stretch before we break; if we really will snap back each time.

Lin does the same thing to me, except I have no bio kids. Instead of hearing "he's your REAL son" I get "she was here first" or "you've had her since she was a baby." It's still hurtful.

The other one I really enjoy is when we're talking about something of hers, like her iPod. And she starts saying, "no, it's yours. You bought it with your money. It's not mine." And when I try to say that it's her stuff because she's in our family, she tells me that no, it's my stuff, my house, my family. Not hers.

And yet, we keep waking up in the morning to face a new day, don't we? Sometimes I find myself chanting "God help me be the mom she needs right now."

Good luck. You're not alone!

Cayle said...

Sadly I believe they do it for reassurances and a part of them really wants to be accepted. I did it a lot when I was a kid and it wasn't smart but I did do it. It hurts thinking about it. I know I hurt my parents but I was hurting at the same time. I am glad that I have grown and it takes times I will be praying.

Julie said...

I agree with Cayle. Maybe Chase just needs constant reassurance that he is loved and accepted and that you aren't going to "send him away". I have to wonder if he was maybe threatened with that before he came to the USA. Maybe someone told him that you would do it.

Sherrie said...

Love the house, what a change already!!! I'm so excited for you, can't wait til you can move in! Kids just don't know the impact that those words can have, they know, somewhat, but they can't possibly know the deep cut it can make. But, that's why we're the mamas, to teach them that words can hurt deeply, so use them wisely. Hugs to you my friend, they couldn't have a better mama than you to teach them :-).

Monica said...

I have an adopted brother and he had some major problems. He would do and say things to hurt you. He got mad at my older sister, so when she wasn't there he poured peroxide in her fish tank. Got mad at me so when I wasn't there he rolled my lipsticks up high and then smashed the lids down over the stick to ruin it. Stole all the pencils off the pastor's desk. Told my parents to F-U.... He was out of our lives by his choice for a while. He is now 44-years-old. He is married and has a teen son that he adores. He has a good job and NOW that he is a dad of a teen of his own, was he finally able to verbalize what our parents mean/meant to him. He lashed out because of all his pain. He really didn't believe that they loved him the way that they said and showed. It took him having his own teen son to REALLY believe.

He was afraid to believe back then. As bad as he hurts, it is nothing compared to how he is still hurting. It may be many years before he really "gets it", but he will. One day he will come to understand. Until then you can just love him.