Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Crossing the line

Yep, they did it. AGAIN. Chance to be exact and Chloe followed suit by agreeing with him.

He was watching a commercial for Chuck*e Cheese and said, " you no take me there, I not like here. I like orphanage better." And I said "oh REALLY." And Chloe chimed in with her complaint of the moment, not enough long sleeved shirts to suit her royal highness, so, yeah, the orphanage was a BETTER place.

Chase was smart enough to keep his mouth shut. Although he was clearly distressed when I went into another room away from the evil twins and cried. Then off the twins went to school. Chase had to stay home due to a "poo- poo problem" as he put it:(

Dad was quite hot when he heard what the twins had said- yet again. Yeah, they have said this before. Usually in reference to something they miss. Which we have NO problem with. They are going to miss things from their past.

BUT, as I spent the day stewing from their hurtful remark, I realized WHY I was so upset. Because they KNOW it will make us feel bad, as we try as hard as humanly possible to give them a good life, while teaching them to be a part of a family. Because we love them, they KNOW this.

You see, they only came off with this remark when they weren't getting their way about something. Something they want NOW- done for them as if they are the only people who matter in this house. Neither child has any NEED for the things they "think" they MUST have immediately and this is not acceptable to us.

So together, dad and I, decided to give them a little taste of their own medicine. We told them if either of them ever come off with that remark in that context again, they better be prepared to live as if they are back at the orphanage. Since we won't ever send them back, we'll be kind enough to make their lives as close as possible to what they had in the orphanage, which these are some of the things they have told us~

Going 3 weeks in same clothes, no bath, no washing the clothes. Being cold, not having enough blankets to keep warm, no heat in their bedrooms. 1 pair of shoes for a year, doesn't matter if they grew out of them, wore them out. Not enough food. No church, no karate, no staying at friends, going to school activities, etc. Sounds like a BLAST, huh?

I THINK we got our point across. And I made it clear to them, I KNEW they said this to hurt me because they weren't getting what they wanted right THEN. And I am not here to take that crap. That we believed they were the children God meant for us to have and we did so much to get them home, that they better stop and think about what they are saying about how BAD it is here. Really think.

I feel much better having figured them out and called them on it. I can recall being quite the naughty teen myself and throwing out statements I'm none to proud to own up to now. So I DO understand why they do it, but I also know it's not going to be tolerated. It really is a poison, making us wonder if we are giving them all they need to be part of our family, when in fact they are saying this out of pure selfishness. As teenagers are apt to do.

I have no doubt they will not use it again. Not in this manner. Chloe's eyes got bigger and bigger and Chance's head lower and lower as I ticked off the things that would occur to give them an orphanage atmosphere to live in HERE. They knew they crossed the line.

They pouted in their rooms all evening and still refuse to apologize this morning, the stubborn lil' turds. They get that stubbornness from their momma:) I still love them, stubbornness and all. This evening we were able to have a good talk with them and made sure they understood what we wanted from them and why, as well as how they made us feel and that we don't treat family that way.

You know I have never opened my heart or mind as big as I have for these 3. It's been such an experience and I do not doubt it will continue to be. Even with them saying something so nasty, I still love them and am thankful to be their mother. They need guidance and I am glad I am able to teach them as we share our lives, as we learn to love and care about each other.

Chase told Chloe he loved me, just out of the blue tonight... Chloe looked at me and said "Chase said he loves you." And I said "yeah, and I love him too." It's happening, slowly but surely:) becoming a bonded and caring family. Thank GOD for the learning as well as the wonderful moments. It's working because we have Him guiding us:)


Holly said...

You know, I think it's the same thought that runs through EVERY kid's mind, although magnified in an adopted child's mind I'm sure. That they would be better off living somewhere else. I remember thinking it--dreaming about my friends' houses, or wishing I could live with this or that aunt, since my parents were so cruel. ; ) It takes a while for kids really understand what they have. And that's normally when they are adults! Hang in there. You are doing a fabulous job!!! God bless you, and have a wonderful Christmas!

connie said...

Wow, Vickie, your week has been a lot like ours :( I think we've finally gotten over a 6-day pity party...ready to move into 2011.

Heather said...

Vickie, Those comments hurt deeply I'm sure! Pretty painful. I'm sorry. But they certainly love you. I'm thankful that you always share your thoughts w/ us though. Our Jake is much younger than your kiddos and has not specifically said that he wanted to go back (although I think he still may as he misses his foster parents). However, he thinks because we have a "huge" house and 2 cars that we can buy him anything! Therefore, I get a lot of, "You not buy me that, I gonna cry"! At this point, I just hand him a tissue and say, "Here ya go! If you need to cry!" :-)

Difference2This1 said...

Ours said the same thing last week after being home 2 yrs. One of her two reasons- they "don't ask me hard questions there". Apparently the orphanage was utopia and we took her away from the opportunity have a great job when she aged out working at the orphanage (um...yea, right). The difference between mine and yours what I can tell from your posts is that yours let their emotions vomit out while mine lies about 95% of the time. It took her 2 yrs to say what she felt honestly (though she has certainly been BEHAVING like she doesn't like being here for at least 1 1/2 yrs). The funny thing was, her comments didn't hurt a bit..I was just stunned she actually shared something she was honestly feeling :) Good grief...honesty?..what a novel idea! I'm weary of the game of "guess what's in her head today". Thanks for sharing your experiences along the way...what you share gives me a clue about what ours might be feeling inside. God bless, Jennifer

Chad and Kristy said...

Just in case you don't know...
You are a remarkable woman:)

Merry Christmas!