Friday, October 8, 2010

Memories

Two years ago we had to say goodbye. It was, without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life. Hand your precious life back to our Maker. A baby boy. A baby who was born to teach. To touch lives for the short time you were here.

You did, my little man, you touched so many, you taught us so much. We never regretted the decision to share your life, even when others said "how could you, why would you" and we thought the answers were "no brainers." (Pardon that PUN) We wanted to love you, to care for you, to give you the best we could for whatever time you had. And in return we expected nothing, but your life was full of giving.

You gave us hope, you gave us coos, smiles, the cutest crinkled nose, a turn of your head to acknowledge the kisses you were being given constantly, the leg kicking told us you were awake. From a baby "they" said would be a vegetable, huh. Someone forgot to tell you that:)

Officially diagnosed with hydranencephaly- meaning you had a stroke before you were born and it destroyed a major part of your brain. Rare, and no life expectancy is what we were told. So for the 9 months and 12 days you not just survived but loved, shared, fought, and LIVED and we thank you, baby boy, for each day we were blessed with you. We didn't waste even ONE of those days from the moment we were handed you.

You gave us an amazing gift of your life, showing us what pure and unending love is. You showed many people that although we didn't share a last name or one drop of blood, I would have given my very life for you, that you truly were our son in every way that mattered.

My biggest struggle after you died was the ache in my heart to feel you in my arms, and the anger that a baby had to die. It didn't seem right, to lose you. But even then you were helping me understand your life was a gift, a precious and rare gift that we were given and timing of your departure was God's choice and not a punishment to us. He needed you back, to make you whole. I couldn't possibly be so selfish to want you to stay and be in pain, as I am a nurse, healer of people, not one to wish to prolong any one's suffering.

Your spirit to live, even when you were hurting, your joy over a simple kiss or lovin's from your Momma, can never be forgotten. We cherish each kiss, each hug, and keep you close to our hearts in our every single day. We don't have to "get over you" because we have you. We carry your love in our hearts and we use what you taught us always. You live on through us.

I wish you had met your 3 new sibs, I'm sure they are making you laugh the whole way up in Heaven looking down at them, they are a riot. I know you probably told the "Big Daddy" up there, "ohh those 3, they are PERFECT for my momma and daddy, but hey, put a spin on it will ya Daddy, 'cause they are just typical folks, they LIKE some fun!" So thanks for the little "twist" in their story and the help of your "Big Daddy" to get them all home to us.

Your life gave us a patience and love for these new children that have since joined our family of fun. Because as tough as any of it gets, we will plug on, looking for the rare good day if necessary, just as you did. We learned your life teachings well:)

Your family will celebrate your life today, we will get blue balloons and we will write you love notes and send them on their way, straight to Heaven. To honor the day you left us and earned your angel wings. And we know you did.
Camden has felt you kiss him as he dreams of you and awakes as you kiss him. He worried you would be too young to fly but I assured him that when he needed to be kissed by you an angel would bring you and hold you so you could, indeed kiss your brother's cheek. That your every wish is fulfilled.

Kat has her last words to you in her heart. "Ahh, go to Jesus baby Tristan, I wuv you and I will come play wif you, but not today." When she comes that's where she will be, playing with you. Whole and complete. Our baby of love.

It was an honor to parent you Tristan, we love you forever, SON.
Tristan- 12-26-07 left us 10-08-08

6 comments:

Sue said...

Such a touching story. He was a amazing person and he was there helping you bring home your two sons and daughters.

Annie said...

Oh Vicki, much love to you and your family today. He sounds like such a beautiful little man!

Freedom Hollow Farmgirl said...

Holding your family close to my heart today. 10/15 would be my stepson's 20th birthday, he passed away at the age of 12, he was riding his bicycle home from school and was hit by a truck. Will you pray for my husband, he is really having a hard time. He misses his boy so much.

Blessings,
Suzanne

Tammy said...

Vicky,
so beautiful..thanks for sharing...saying a prayer for comfort and peace for you and your beautiful family.....
Blessings
Tammy

Shirlee McCoy said...

You are so brave and strong to acknowledge that a short life is still a full life. Your little one truly did teach and continues to do so.

God bless your family during this time of memories.

K said...

I've just found your blog a few days ago and I'm very eager to read it all and witness your family's journey. I'm glad you know you don't have to "get over" your loss. It does take some getting used to, though, doesn't it, that hole they leave in your heart?

I thougth of your family today while at a class my adoption agency. I learned something that may be of interest to you and help your son.

ESL in public schools is designed for children whose first language is spoken at home. Although your three teens from China have considered Chinese their primary language, English will now be their primary language. The result, is that the way ESL is taught, is too slow and frustrating. They are learning too intellectually (reading, writing), at a slow pace, rather than learning in a natural way, by hearing it and integrating it right away. This will definitely cause severe frustration in bright kids, who need more, more, more. They are highly motivated to learn English and usually have to capacity to learn it well and at a VERY fast rate if they are taught correctly for their goal.