Monday, October 4, 2010

Control issue

Out of control, loss of control, give up control, letting go of control, controlling. Not sure what to call this one. It was rough and ugly. I'm hoping it can bring some long overdue pain out and bring it to some type of healing.

I know you are all saying- just tell us already what happened! Where do I start? It started yesterday with Chase. He was in a REALLY good mood, spunky and having fun but then he started. Testing me. I know what the signs are now that he has been home almost 5 months and I am learning more and more about his personality.

He was tapping on the pew during prayer in church to annoy Donovan and I told him to stop. Dad was not with me or I can assure you this would not have occurred, isn't it funny how that works?? He refused to stop, he started again. And I told him AGAIN. He did not. But then church was over and we all head downstairs for snack and then Sunday school. Later in the day he started up again, getting on my computer and when I told him to get off he ignored me.

So by bedtime he was at maximum spunk level. He goes to bed early, to give him plenty of time to get up and fix his hair each day. But when Chance went to bed, a little while later, he climbed in his top bunk above Chase and in getting settled into bed, he shook the beds some. I can't imagine it was very much with his skinny little 90 lb body. But Chase flew up out of bed and totally lost it.

He ripped Chance out of bed to the FLOOR. I heard a thump and cry and was heading in the room to investigate when I saw Chase kicking Chance as hard as he could. He got in one last punch before I could get in between them, as Chase didn't listen when I yelled "STOP!"

I was shocked. I can't STAND violence and I could see Chase was completely out of control. So I told Chase he could not, would not be allowed to do this. It was not acceptable for any reason to hit someone, especially his brother. He then said "SO!" (can you tell he is Chloe's bro?? I sure can!) I then told him "NOT SO!! NO!
You will NOT do this again. "

He stood there and put his hand over his eyes with his head down for a long, long time. I got Chance out of the room, checked his injuries, he is bruised badly but okay, and I settled him on the couch for the night. Didn't think they should be in the same room. Then I went back to Chase. I knew there was more to this. He was sitting with his hand over his face and when I started talking to him what I got out of it was Chase was upset that Chance is "changing". He is not the same as he was at the orphanage, and I explained they would ALL change, they had to in order to become a part of our family.

We then talked about how hard this is, learning to be in a family and losing their Ch*nese mama and baba and I understood they wish they had them but they were given to us by God and we were happy to be their parents, that we love them as our children even if we are their second mama and baba. At that point Chloe was in the room for translation if needed, he didn't ask for any translation yet I know he understood since me because he broke down and sobbed. And I held him and cried with him. It was sooo painful. He was hurting so bad.

Chloe cried as well, and I rubbed her arm, while rubbing his back and wiping noses. So they eventually settled and I told them they needed to get to bed for school in the morning. So they went to bed. Dad told me today that Chase cried himself to sleep. He refused to apologize to Chance last night but this morning he did. Chance wasn't thrilled and would not accept the apology. Off to the bus they went, Chance a few minutes behind Chase and Chloe:(

So today I called the ESL teacher to let her know we had issues last night, that working with the boys together might not work well and they might do better apart if she could manage it. It was almost the end of the school day when a call came. I needed to come. Chase was crying, having broken down in class and was unable to tell them what was wrong. So off I went to find him in the office with the ESL teacher, principal, guidance counselor, and the school psychologist. Good grief. Talk about over kill!

So I talked with them briefly, they were concerned he was unhappy and being pushed too hard in school. I told them it was hard learning English for him but he is eager to learn as much as possible. That it was the issue of giving up control over brother and sister, losing everything he was used to, coming to a new country, pain from the past, learning to be part of this family, along with learning a new culture, learning he can let us parent the threesome and trusting us to be here for him forever. He carries so much on those shoulders!

We all came home then since it was the end of the day anyway and he was back to normal when we got home. Dad, Chloe and I did sit down with him after supper and we talked, we asked if there was anything we could do to help him, and that he had to understand, he has pain from his past, we get that. We are here for him if he needs to talk. But that he would have to decide, could he be strong and be able to overcome the past and to heal with our help? He could look at his "second set of parents" and know how much we love him and wanted him? Or will he let his past destroy his life? And he said he wants to be" STRONG."

Ohh, if I could take his pain onto myself, I would in one heartbeat. I would gladly take it on to give him peace. It's heartbreaking to know I can not rewrite his history and make it all okay, but I also thank God for giving me this child/man and helping me say the right things to help this precious boy to start to heal and to make his life the best it can be. I can literally SEE the walls he has built up to protect himself cracking and he is slowly letting US in.

We took a walk after supper and he told me a number of things, using his limited English. And he said to me "my English little." And I told him- "ahh, but it's bigger than when you first come, soon it will be little bigger, then bigger, then so big momma need to say "be quiet, too much English!" And he laughed. It will come.

Then we had to take the jealous ones, Chance and Chloe on a walk, since the TURDS were claiming they were going to go to school and cry that their English was "no good" so they could get attention. OIY. I fussed over Chance some too, he needed it since I didn't want him to feel Chase was being rewarded for hurting him. And as we walked the brothers were clearly better with one another. Chatting about upcoming American holidays.

We even worked out a solution on the bed issue. Camden (bless this child) agreed to give up his single bed, and take the top bunk. Chance is in the lower bunk, Chase got the single bed. Everyone was happy with the new arrangement and for now, they are all asleep in their "new" beds, and hopefully dreaming good dreams.

And if all else fails, Donovan was kind enough?? to offer to" beat the snot out of Chase if he ever does that to Chance again so Chase can know what it feels like to have someone bigger than you stomp you into the ground." Well, I am blown away by the offer and feeling the L-O-V-E! Aren't my kids just amazing? So caring and thoughtful!

I am headed to my bed now that I have updated the school as well as arranged to have one of our Ch*nese students come spend time with Chase tomorrow and give him a chance to speak to someone other than Chloe about how he is feeling.

Along with baking a lovely apple pie today, feeding everyone, babysitting, laundry duty, sweeping, dishes, and caring for everyone else today too---phewww, I'm exhausted --are you tired just reading that?

Too tired to post pictures, forgive me?


Dawn said...

Good momma, good job....

Cayle said...

aw. that made me cry.

but you are absolutely amazing you really are.

Lisa said...

Thanks so much for this post, Vickie. I have wondered if my daughter will get upset about "changing," too. Now I will be on the lookout for the possible signs.

Thanks for your honesty, always.

Nancy said...

You are truly an amazing woman, Vickie. Sounds like you handed this beautifully. I, too, feel Chase's pain and yours.

Lori said...

Yes, I'm totally exhausted just reading that! Wow, you handled it beautifully. I'm taking it all in as we prepare for our son. Feeling a bit uneasy as we draw closer and closer.

Thanks for sharing!

Sherri said...

What an amazing woman you are...keep up the good work. You seem to be doing a wonderful job!

Family said...

You are such a good mom! It must have been hard to see Chase working through all of his feelings, but its good he is. He has had to carry so much for so long it must be hard for him to let go, he probably feels guilt for letting go of the control. Hang in there and keep being the great mom and role model you are for them and us:)

Chris said...

Oh yeah, good momma, good job...(can hear my new son saying that.
Thanks for the warning, we are in very early days yet...

Chris said...

Oh yeah, good momma, good job...(can hear my new son saying that.
Thanks for the warning, we are in very early days yet...

Marie94 said...

WOW - what a day. Thanks for posting the details. As a mom to 4 Chinese children I try to use some of your wisdom in dealing with the tough issues.
Praying for you today that the Lord would continue to bless you with wisdom to mother these amazing children of yours.

Ava said...

Your post made me cry. You are one amazing mom. TRUE MOM with true love for her children. It is about your children and than you. You have wonderful family. I wait for your posts everyday. You should write a book about your experiences, I think that would help many kids whos parents are not prepared to handle their lifes.
YOU never complain, you must be tired , but you just have this amazing strength. You ability to put yourself in your 'children shoes" is amazing.
YOUR wisdom, your love showes through every action!
All the best to your wonderful family!
I hope you never stop blogging. I can not wait to see where your love directs your kids. I have no doubt that they will have happy lifes.
Ava mom to one precius princes from China