Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Autumn ramblings

Although fall has always been my favorite season, it's arrival seems to make me reflect more than any other season. Maybe it has something to do with that birthday heading my way again, or that 30+ years ago today my dad died.

Or that we are coming up to the 1 year mark of losing our precious baby Tristan. 1 year already. WoW. I can say it was better to have known him, loved him, cherished him for the short time we had him than to never have had him at all. We are such better people having been blessed by that little man:)
Missing my dad is odd, in a way, I was really young when he died and he worked away all week when he was alive. When a mole that turned black tested out as malignant melanoma and he was gone within a year, it seemed surreal. I never really realized how much I missed out having a dad till I met hubby and experienced his wonderful relationship with our girls. He is their rock, they lean on him. Kat must tell him 50 times a day " oh daddy, I love you" just as if he can't make it another minute without her letting him know that:) Chloe is even learning to lean :)

The leaves are turning lovely colors, my favorite part of autumn, oranges, reds, yellows, it's amazing. I'm so thankful to live somewhere that I get to see this happen each year. Hubby hates the raking part, but hey, we have a ton of kids, shouldn't they be good for something? Ha ha.
I've been trying to be supportive to a family going through a disruption. Yep, I said it, a disruption. They have a family for the child they need to disrupt, it's just the pain they are having over this decision. They are worried about others, that they will be discouraged to adopt older, that they will be slammed for this. I have a few things to say about it.

Firstly no one goes into adoption looking to disrupt. It's like going to get married planning on being divorced- just doesn't make sense right? SO when faced with an older child who has come home, is learning the language slowly but looking to BLAME someone for all that has happened to them in the past, what can happen? Well, the child can mistakenly turn their anger, grief, frustrations out on the closest people to them- their NEW family.

After many months of therapy, issues not being resolved, more issues arising, you find yourself drained, your other children suffering. What choices are there? Let me tell you, SLIM to no help is out there. At times, it has actually worked out for another family to step in and the child is able to grasp how family works, how to start over and can find their way with a new family.

I feel the big need to insert my opinions here and this is my blog so I'm gonna do it. Mainly that I am NOT naming this family due to their right to privacy, they are NOT ashamed, they are in pain.

Disruption is NOT a disease. It will not infect your family. Families that choose to disrupt do not need the added burden of being slammed. I can't know what they have lived with entirely, it's not my place to know. I do know that they brought home this child of God's, have given child a chance to have a good life, and if that means helping this child move forward in a new family setting then I am going to be praying for both families, the child and NOT making snap judgement upon anyone.

God doesn't call us to judge- just 'cause I have adopted kids. I have an older child, she pushes us, she likes to say "you did it" and I have to firmly tell her " I didn't know you then Chloe" and basically "pull rank" on her. If she had a different personality I can see her hanging on to anger she has over some things that happened to her in the past.
We are blessed she is easy going and able to get past this. It has nothing to do with "how good of parents we are, or aren't." God put each of His chosen children, the orphans, where He wishes them to be. He makes no mistakes. So everything this family has experienced was for a reason, just as us having our baby Tristan was for a reason and it changed us.

Did I think a year ago it was okay to watch my baby die? No, honestly I wanted to scream, just scream, at the total unfairness of his broken body to begin with, then to have to watch him die. I asked to go in his place, I wanted him to survive but I could also see how he was hurting as well, and he needed to go. It was the MOST painful thing I have ever had to do, to hand him back to his Heavenly Father.

For this family a dream has died, they have experienced enough heartache without anyone adding to it. I know our hardest memories of having Tristan were the rude people who judged him by his odd looks, the doctor who said to me "why are you bothering". It's not right to think you "know best" and can make comments like that. To us, that baby boy was our world, for the other family this adoption has been their LIFE. They have given all, just as we gave our little man. It's not meant to be, per God's will, as much as may wish it different.

Now that I got that off my chest, I have been busy with the kids, we did Open House for the little ones school this week, we kinda figured out where the whole diva thing may be coming from for Miss Kat. (BTW her frock is from As we traveled down the hall to Kat's class we heard a number of kids say "oh, there's Kat".
Then we heard a little boy say " there's Kat, she's so cute"---sigh. I was thinking if he was about 10 years older daddy may have decked him right there but it's tough to do that to a thigh-high little dude. She's obviously quite popular- teacher said she is "very loving, so sweet." I'm thinking we are in BIG trouble when she is a little older.....

My kitchen is now a lovely shade of blue, with a white ceiling. Ironically it's blue, what I painted over in the DR? Hummm. Anyway, I like it:) It turned out super, and it looks better than the yellow did. I'm working on a stencil for above the sink, something to do with birds, since it's mainly birdhouse themed. I think I am going to use a saying like " Birds of a feather flock together". Unless anyone out there has a better one for us, nothing dirty -mind you!

Can't leave you without funny Chloe story of the week, she is one neat kid. Dad and I were discussing our upcoming anniversary when I said " do I still make you happy after all this time?" Funny Chloe pipes in " sometimes vary happy, sometimes not so happy." We all busted up laughing and I said to her "am I married to you?"
I was so glad to think about it afterwards, another step, she is able to be honest with us, it's not all a bed of roses here, I'm sure there are times she isn't at all happy. It's real life, not happily ever after:)
Chloe is wearing one of my favorite shirts, she likes it so I gave it to her to wear for a bed shirt. My two favorite things, chocolate and my hubby- my very first love. Loved him, lost him, we married others, had kids, divorced, and found one another again, blended our family, added many in. So if you want a happily ever after-- there it is:)


Holly said...

Wow, that's a cool story about you and your hubby! Happy anniversary to you! :) Of course I don't know who you are talking about when it comes to the disrupted adoption, but you know, I think a whole lot of judging goes on that SHOULDN'T! I will be praying for them. It must rip their hearts out. :( Thanks for sharing your heart on this, and you are absolutely right.

Shelley said...

Vickie, I am glad this family has you to support them, pray for them, and encourage them. No one really knows what they would do in the same situation. You can't until you have walked in their shoes. Thank you for your honest post.

recoveryagent2 said...

"The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese."
I agree with your opinion on disruptions - having never walked in those shoes, who am I to judge?
And, finally, blue looks good on your kitchen!

Kim said...

Great insight about disruption. We have some very close friends who had to disrupt their 3rd adoption after 18 months. The child is now thriving with their new family and the his former parents are now relieved and able to get on with raising the three girls they have. Though painful, people do not see both sides of a disruption and that things are done for the good of BOTH the child and the family - not out of selfishness, etc.

Jonathan and Michelle said...

Kat sounds like our daughter, Mena. She is four and just started Pre-K. I went to school with her the other day and it was like walking down the hallway with a rock star. We are going to be in big trouble as she gets

My heart breaks for the family you wrote about...and I agree with every word you said. Good post!