Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Missing him

Our precious son, Tristan has been gone 6 months today, Hard to imagine life without you in it. Seems so long ago that I was holding you in my arms. I can still recall the sweet baby smell of you, the sweep of your hair. The joy I felt when you smiled for me, the fun of watching you thrive, kissing the bridge of your nose as my lips fit there perfectly from the day I met you till we had the pain of letting you go.

You came to us as a cast off, your doctors gave us no hope, the agency said you would not survive long, and look at what you showed them. You taught them all what love can do, that you WERE a person inside your broken body, not the vegetable they said you would be. You smiled, you cooed, you even SQUEALED for daddy once, you were so happy and excited. Scared your momma more than once but you were soooo worth every minute of sleep I lost, every minute you blessed us with your life.

I recall one night, not long before you passed, that the night nurse was worried about your breathing. This was the wonderful Mrs. Janine, the super nurse who was with us when you died. I KNEW if she was calling me down it wasn't good. So as I go downstairs at 4 am, and curl you around my fluff your breathing eased and you went to sleep. She was amazed and called you a turd, thinking she had disturbed my sleep for nothing.

Little did she know, I cherished those minutes to do nothing but hold you. 3 hours I held you till she left and you seemed content then. Off to do my mothering job on the rest of the crew, getting them off to school that day, never once missing those 3 hours of sleep. I held you as much as I possibly could, until your condition did not allow you to be as comfortable being held, then I laid beside you on your special pad so I could feel you breathe and stroke your hair.

You taught people who were hardened in their line of work, the thankless job of removing children "for their own good" to reconsider that 2 moms COULD share a child and love him as much as humanly possible. We worked with your birth mom, to give you the best all of us could give. Thus you left this world KNOWING you were loved, cared for beyond all measure. Your life touched people, they saw the joy your life gave us as they marveled that you were living on strong.
It was so hard to accept it was your time to go, I wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all, but then who promised us fairness? You were meant to be our son, you grew in our hearts, we saw beyond the defects of your body that made people stare and only saw the little boy we knew and loved.

Our family didn't look upon ourselves as anything special to have taken you in, YOU were OUR gift. You were the purest love and the most precious life I have ever seen and to be given the right to be your momma was a HUGE blessing.

I thank God, your birth mom and the agency for the honor of parenting you. You will live on in our hearts forever.

Dad and I miss you like crazy baby, but I'm so glad you are free. Some days I ache to hold you, but it's not to be, God has a special angel baby waiting just for me. Our son Tristan, we thank you for the 8 months of love and joy you gave us. You are forever in our hearts as our baby boy.


Holly said...

So precious. Thank you for sharing. It is so obvious how loved Tristan was, and what a blessing he was. I am excited to meet him someday too!

Nancy said...

What a beautiful tribute to your son.

Donna said...



Shelley said...

What a precious, precious post. Tristan was blessed to have you for a momma, just as you were blessed to have him. As the mom of a daughter with a genetic disorder, I am so very, very thankful for your heart that loves ALL children. Aren't we thankful to know Tristan is living today in perfection with no pain and no limitations? That makes all the difference! I'm glad Chloe continues to do well. We love following along!